Rawr - phan
by Trashcactiqueen
Summary: Phan trash - tried to make it cute and not smutty


Frost draped the window panes and no matter how much they turned the heating up, their breath still puffed out in front of them in wispy plumes. Rubbing his hand together to try eke out some warmth, Dan sunk lower into his covers and curled up. It was the coldest winter so far, with every day below freezing. It was raining outside. Or was it snowing? Dan sighed. It was too cold to sleep. He lay there and listened. Listened to the soft patter of the snow-rain outside, the dissatisfied clunk of the overworked radiators, the pining sound of a dog left outside. There was another noise that Dan couldn't quite place. It would rise and fall, trembling and crescendoing in a routine cycle. Dan listened to it for what felt like hours before finally deciding that he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon anyway and that he was going to go on a 3am search for the noise. Wincing at the icy floor as he swung a barefoot out of the cocoon of his bed, Dan pulled on a t-shirt left discarded by the side of his bed and padded out of his room.

Thirty. It was always there. That nagging voice in his head telling him that there are no old youtubers, that eventually no one would care about two middle aged men drawing cat whiskers on their face. A pitiful sob escaped Phil's lips and he buried his head further into his pillow. He couldn't wake up Dan, couldn't let him see him like this. Tomorrow was the 30th January. Phil would be thirty. Looking around his bedroom, Phil couldn't understand why people watched his videos anyway. He was a grown man acting like a teen on the Internet and he was scared. Scared that everyone who'd ever told him he was going to get nowhere was right. Sure he was somewhere now, he loved doing YouTube, loved his viewers, loved… Dan. But was that really enough? Dan would be okay. He was the smart, good looking, funny. All Phil seemed to do was attract weird scenarios. Before he even noticed, he was crying again. Sobs wracking his chest and echoing around the raw emptiness of his room. Then he heard a noise. Quelling the tears, Phil froze.

It was coming from Phil's room. What the heck was it? Was he crying? Dan had only ever heard Phil cry once before – Dan had started spiralling again, not eating, not sleeping. Videos had meant nothing to him, friends meant nothing to him but it had pained him to see Phil cry. After about a month of Dan refusing to reconnect with the outside world, Phil had burst into his room, tears welling in his eyes and his voice shaking but strong " You have so much to live for! Dan, come back, please come back. If you don't want to do YouTube any more we can find another way, we'll always find a way, you understand me? Always! Dan come back…. Please" That'd been that. Dan remembered what He seemed to have forgotten. Sure perhaps there was no cosmic reason for existence. Maybe we were all born to die but that didn't mean that we couldn't make a difference. He'd made a difference. Sure he hadn't abolished slavery or found the secrets of the universe. He hadn't found a cure to cancer or eradicated starvation in third world countries, but he'd made people happy. With just a crappy webcam he'd made people feel like someone understood. Then there was Phil. Although he didn't like to admit it, he'd always seen Phil as something more than just friends. Phil was special. Sometimes he felt like he was the only one who could see that. Dan akwardly loitered outside of Phil's door wondering what to do. Phil was one of those people who, at first glance, never seemed anything but happy, content with life. He probably didn't want Dan to see him like this.

Trying to slow down and quieten his rapid breathing, Phil explored a hundred different scenarios in his mind; if it was Dan,then he would just pretend to be asleep and if it was a ravaging serial killer he'd dive for the tripod in the corner. It could be used as some sort of weapon. Then Dan came through the door "Phil?". It was too late to pretend to be asleep now. Phil's red eyes confirmed what Dan had thought, he'd been crying. "Are you okay?".

"Fine" Phil replied but his voice betrayed him. Dan shuffled over to the bed and sat down, wrapping an arm around Phil. " What is it?"

" I'm thirty tomorrow.".

"So…" Dan knew what was wrong now but didn't say. If Phil wanted to talk about it he would. "Dan, have you over seen an old youtuber?"

"Sure"

"Apart from people doing lawnmower reviews and stuff.". Dan laughed but it came out forced and sad. "Phil, just because you're thirty doesn't going to mean it's all going to end.".

"But it will one day…" Looking at Phil, Dan thought that he'd give anything to make it all right. To tell Phil that they can do this forever, even when the subscriber count drops and their hair begins to thin, they can make stupid videos together. "There's always our radio show.".

"Yeah, I guess.".

Phil could tell Dan was trying. His eyes were wide, searching for the Phil he knew, the one who never cried. It was in that moment that Phil wanted Dan more than ever because, to tell the truth, it wasn't the money he was worried about when the whole YouTube thing came to a close. What he really worried about was that Dan would leave him. He didn't think he could cope with that. He at least wanted to tell him before he went. Tell him that he thought of him in a way friends aren't supposed to, that he'd fallen in love with him. It'd been slow and gradual but, in a way, all at once. He started seeing all the little things he'd never noticed before: his laugh, his smile, his dimples, the way he was just a fraction taller. It all made sense. And then it didn't. Because they were best friends and Dan was straight. At least he was pretty certain Dan was, despite all his self proclaimed akwardness, Dan always knew what to say around girls, could get their numbers easily if he wanted to. He gripped onto Dan just a little bit harder because he was his anchor and without him he felt like he was going to fade away.

Dan had never known before, but when Phil cries his eyes become even more blue. That's the thing about Phil, all his features are so intense some people don't know what to think. Dan was aware that you're not supposed to find the your best friend beautiful in a way that makes you want to hold them and never let go but every time he looked at Phil he was reminded of why he felt that way. Phil wasn't just beautiful on the outside, but on the inside as well. "Dan?"

" What?"

" You promise you'll stay, even when the world doesn't like us anymore?"

"Promise" Dan took a deep breath. It felt right. Now. Now was the time to say it. "Phil?"

"Yes?"

" I love you…" Phil froze. His eyes met Dan's.

"I'm not in the mood, Dan."

"No I'm serious. I Daniel James Howell love you Phillip Michael Lester love you in a totally non-platonic way."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously"

" Well, I Phillip Michael Lester fully reciprocate your non-platonic love"

"You do"

"I do"

 **Thirty years later**

 **Two old men sit on a park bench. It's cold, bitter cold and it reminds of that day, long ago when they were young and it all happened so fast. They hold hands. One leans onto the other and smiles " rawr.".**


End file.
